this is for my friend crys bc i miss her sweet ass...

these were the pictures i took at the house...spooky for sure!!

doesnt it always seem like you are hiding behind something? i think that i am. i dont know yet what it is, but it is something

so i have successfully managed to chap my lips so bad that they have turned cracked and bloody.( yes i turned the world chap into a verb, get over it) what am i a 8 year old boy playing mario 2 and walking around with a freaking chapped circle around my mouth? no, but i can only see this problem going in that direction...gawd, i freaking apply chapstick so very regularly i cant even fathom how this occurred. sick.

today in church we talked about stripping off certain things, things that inhibit us from experiencing God the way we were meant to. i feel like there is so much that i could strip off, it could almost be impossible.

so i bit my thumb finger nail all the way down to pain. it hurts a lot. shit, i dont know why i did it, oral fixation maybe. dont know. ouch.

so i saw my john tonight. i have missed him soooooooo much! he just said a lot to me that really made me feel a lot better. i guess some ways i felt he wasnt there...he wanted to be there for me...seriously my best friend, i missed him! chrys! he loved the idea! i feel alot better today awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got a tat on my neck...it gave me an awful headache. i couldnt even go out for st. patty's day. my friends were being stupid anyway so it was alright...but yeah! at least i got something to show for it.
i also applied to be a display artist for urbn outfitters...that would be awesome.

today i realized something. i feel that i am just way to sensitive about things. this isnt meant to be a sad post by any means. i just realized, i feel towards negative things bc i feel like i attract them. but that cant be possible. no one can attract purely negative things, that is just one thing that i do that i need to get over. but i have heard the first step is realizing your shortcomings.
so maybe this is somewhat a victorious statement.

i can feel the blackness pressing on the back of my eyes. this is almost the exact state i was in two years ago. why cant i get over this thing, this big black fierce thing. failure is my worst fear. this is what failure brings.
fuck.

really, really, ok. today was freaking gorgeous. really beautiful. ummm i was enjoying the weather, driving home from work....... i was turning right and there was a car in the left turn lane where i had to pass to turn right....you know the one i am talking about? do ya do ya? well this guy freaking flicks me off like nothing i had ever seen. it was so fierce that i thought i knew this person and they deeply hated me. i was awestruck.. i am so fucking sick of people i dont even know taking shit out on me. who the fuck do you think you are, i dont fucking care if you had a bad day, i have had a bad fucking year, but i dont go around treating people i dont know like shit and that they are less than me. goood gawd. i mean think about it people.

i will soon be making a trip...only an overnighter...but getting out of chicago for the first time in months...weird. going back makes me think of two people...one i know doesnt live there anymore and another who might............two people who i thought would be last on my mind become first...i wonder why......i think i am just going crazy.

so my mom got a hickey. my dad gave it to her yesterday at the dinner table. her hairstylist asked her if she burned herself, but then said, wait you dont use a curling iron. she had to admit it. how do i feel about that, i dunno kinda gross. but i guess you got to get yours. in addition i have been brushing my teeth with expired toothpaste. 7 year expired toothpaste. how do i have this you ask, we have a lot of weird stuff in our bathroom cabinents. i only looked at the date a few days ago. so this toothpast does not help my breath in the least but it cleans my teeth even better than the best toothpaste on the market....mmmm i think i need to research this.

tonight i heard a broken man speak.
he shook and moaned.
and spoke to my heart.

sometimes i feel like sleeping forever....
today is a day i miss my old friends, how it seemed everyone cared...where did you all go...i guess it doesnt matter...i have enough...but after a shit ass day i wonder where they have all gone.

Dear andrew,
weren t we like best buds. i cant stand it for sure.
so i miss you, is that the wrong thing to say. did you find new friends? i dunno, i called, you never called back, i have messaged you a number of ways, and no contact was made in return. well i do miss you, so if we were friends, fucking call me or message me and let me know that you are not a bitch...ok...jeez
alyson
ps. no i am not drunk i finally just got balls before i gave up on you.